Another rant against the “Poor Me” types.
Yep…That’s me. Squishing my boot against the faces of the already downtrodden.
Hey there “Nice” guys (And girls too! I know you are out there!)! Got a thought for you…
Do you want to know why you never get the girl (or guy)?
You look at yourself and see someone who sacrifices themselves for the object of their affections. You are always there when their relationships are falling apart. You listen. You offer a shoulder to cry on. You take them out for coffee or dinner. You go help them fix their car when it breaks down at 3 am. You give them massages when they are stressed out.
You go in for a kiss and are rejected…Told that you are just friends.
Yep…You get friendzoned. Or worse.
“Why?” you cry inwardly. “After all I do for them…why don’t they care for me in that way? They should love me!!”
I mean…Look at all you do for them…You don’t ask anything in return. You just give and give and give…
Would it kill them to give you a chance?
I know at least a few people reading this are nodding their head in agreement.
Those are the people I am talking to right now.
You are NOT a “Nice” guy (Or girl…Consider that implied from now on).
You think that you do all of these nice things freely…That you demand nothing in return. That is a lie you have told so often you believe it yourself.
They do NOT owe you a chance. That is the payment you are expecting. Every time you lament “Why don’t girls go for the nice guys” you are implying that the simple act of being nice should get you the object of your affections. Society owes you that and you are confused why it does not come back to you in spades.
Thinking that you are owed love and affection because you do nice things for someone is no different than expecting sexual favors because you bought them lobster for dinner. That’s right “nice” guys…doing nice things to gain emotional leverage over someone is not nice. It is calculating and manipulative.
And it is remarkably ineffective.
There are really only three outcomes you will get from that sort of interaction:
1- You use it on someone with extremely low self esteem or very little emotional experience. You will then develop a very unhealthy relationship based on them owing you for all you do for them. This relationship will either end when they realize how there is nothing really there or continue on into a dreadful and abusive relationship based on who owes who what. Frequently, when the relationship ends, the “Nice” guy goes into stalker mode feeling that they are still owed more than what they got. Think about that “nice” guys…Have you ever gotten broken up with and serial dialed/texted/stood outside their house insisting that you get one more chance? That you “deserve” one more chance?
2- The person realizes that they are being emotionally manipulated and then distances themselves from you. You feel rejected and still “owed”. If it goes well, they drift away to a comfortable distance and you have lost a friendship. If not…See stalker mode above.
3- The person you are showering your niceness on is actually kind of a bad person. They will then allow you to be as nice as you can be and take full advantage of your generosity. They will stay just flirty enough to string you on while pursuing their own romantic agenda. Most “nice” guys eventually find one of these and will puppy dog around after them for ages. At least until the object of the affections finds the partner they were looking for. This will either end with the “Nice” guy confronting the object in a last ditch effort (Possible stalker mode again) or retreating to their “Why don’t they ever go for the nice guy” mantra.
So…What is the solution?
Should you go out and start being a jerk? Never do nice things for anyone?
Of course not.
Stop being a “nice” guy and start being a good one. No one owes you anything. Ever. Just be a decent person to everyone that you can. Appreciate when someone does something nice for you. Smile at strangers. Say nice things about people even when they aren’t there. Leave a penny by the motorized ponies at Meijers. Tip your server.
Expect nothing in return.
These are attractive properties.
It is kind of like the difference between a politician holding/kissing a baby and some biker looking dude holding/kissing a baby.
One is doing it because it looks good to the public. One is doing it because babies are awesome.
Ask around on that one. See how attractive something like that can make you…If you are doing it for the right reasons.
Be selfless, be good. It will all come to you.
And a moment of full disclosure- I’ve done it too. All the way down to serial calling and standing outside of a house in the pouring rain insisting that I deserved another chance. That she owed me that.
Yeah. Not cool at all. Kinda pathetic really. I got better.