“Nice” Guys are horrible people

Another rant against the “Poor Me” types.
Yep…That’s me. Squishing my boot against the faces of the already downtrodden.
Hey there “Nice” guys (And girls too! I know you are out there!)! Got a thought for you…

Do you want to know why you never get the girl (or guy)?
You look at yourself and see someone who sacrifices themselves for the object of their affections. You are always there when their relationships are falling apart. You listen. You offer a shoulder to cry on. You take them out for coffee or dinner. You go help them fix their car when it breaks down at 3 am. You give them massages when they are stressed out.
You go in for a kiss and are rejected…Told that you are just friends.
Yep…You get friendzoned. Or worse.
“Why?” you cry inwardly. “After all I do for them…why don’t they care for me in that way? They should love me!!”
I mean…Look at all you do for them…You don’t ask anything in return. You just give and give and give…
Would it kill them to give you a chance?
I know at least a few people reading this are nodding their head in agreement.
Those are the people I am talking to right now.
You are NOT a “Nice” guy (Or girl…Consider that implied from now on).
You think that you do all of these nice things freely…That you demand nothing in return. That is a lie you have told so often you believe it yourself.
They do NOT owe you a chance. That is the payment you are expecting. Every time you lament “Why don’t girls go for the nice guys” you are implying that the simple act of being  nice should get you the object of your affections. Society owes you that and you are confused why it does not come back to you in spades.

Thinking that you are owed love and affection because you do nice things for someone is no different than expecting sexual favors because you bought them lobster for dinner. That’s right “nice” guys…doing nice things to gain emotional leverage over someone is not nice. It is calculating and manipulative.
And it is remarkably ineffective.
There are really only three outcomes you will get from that sort of interaction:
1- You use it on someone with extremely low self esteem or very little emotional experience. You will then develop a very unhealthy relationship based on them owing you for all you do for them. This relationship will either end when they realize how there is nothing really there or continue on into a dreadful and abusive relationship based on who owes who what. Frequently, when the relationship ends, the “Nice” guy goes into stalker mode feeling that they are still owed more than what they got. Think about that “nice” guys…Have you ever gotten broken up with and serial dialed/texted/stood outside their house insisting that you get one more chance? That you “deserve” one more chance?
You don’t.
2- The person realizes that they are being emotionally manipulated and then distances themselves from you. You feel rejected and still “owed”. If it goes well, they drift away to a comfortable distance and you have lost a friendship. If not…See stalker mode above.

3- The person you are showering your niceness on is actually kind of a bad person. They will then allow you to be as nice as you can be and take full advantage of your generosity. They will stay just flirty enough to string you on while pursuing their own romantic agenda. Most “nice” guys eventually find one of these and will puppy dog around after them for ages. At least until the object of the affections finds the partner they were looking for. This will either end with the “Nice” guy confronting the object in a last ditch effort (Possible stalker mode again) or retreating to their “Why don’t they ever go for the nice guy” mantra.

So…What is the solution?
Should you go out and start being a jerk? Never do nice things for anyone?
Of course not.
Stop being a “nice” guy and start being a good one. No one owes you anything. Ever. Just be a decent person to everyone that you can. Appreciate when someone does something nice for you. Smile at strangers. Say nice things about people even when they aren’t there. Leave a penny by the motorized ponies at Meijers. Tip your server.
Expect nothing in return.
These are attractive properties.
It is kind of like the difference between a politician holding/kissing a baby and some biker looking dude holding/kissing a baby.
One is doing it because it looks good to the public. One is doing it because babies are awesome.
Ask around on that one. See how attractive something like that can make you…If you are doing it for the right reasons.
Be selfless, be good. It will all come to you.
Promise.

And a moment of full disclosure- I’ve done it too. All the way down to serial calling and standing outside of a house in the pouring rain insisting that I deserved another chance. That she owed me that.
Yeah. Not cool at all. Kinda pathetic really. I got better.

 

How the Lytro camera added a new level to my philosophies…

I am a gadget freak. I love gadgets of all kinds. I see something new and then I read up on it…Then pin it on my Pintrest page as something I should look at getting at some point.

Recently the Lytro Camera caught my eye. Have a peek- www.lytro.com
This camera takes a picture and uses all of the light it collects…or something like that. Basically it has no focus. What that means is that you can take any picture with it, and then decide the focus when you edit it. Everything in the picture can be adjusted to be in focus. Like that person in the front of the frame? Focus on them while the rest blurs out. Like that tree in the background? Adjust the focus and it comes into perfect clarity while other things fade.

You see only what you focus on, and you can focus on anything.

Hrm… So…If I took a picture of a dog. A happy dog. A dog that was happy that it had pooped. The poop is also in the picture looking like poop. I now have two objects I can focus on. I can make the picture all about poop to the point that it is the only recognizable thing in the picture, or I can focus on the happy dog to the point that nothing else matters except “Holy cow! Look how happy that dog is! Wow! Wish I were that dog!!”

I am very used to a fixed focus camera- basic point and shoot like my cell phone. If I took a picture using my cell phone you would see an even balance of poop and dog. My cell phone camera just captures what is there, flat and simple.

We are not like a fixed focus camera. We do not see all things as equal. We give certain things weight and meaning. We get to decide what is important and what to focus on.

So many people love the poop. They focus on the poop. The frame the poop and tack it up on the wall. They make t-shirts with collages of all of the poop they have photographed and wear it around to show everyone.

When they look at the pictures other people take they try to find the poop..it must be hidden in there somewhere.

When they think about the pictures they will take in the future, they just know that everywhere they look, they will find the poop they are already familiar with.  In fact, they are sure they will find the biggest poop yet!
And amazingly enough the find the exact poop they were looking for.

Every.

Dang.

Time.

I see people on the book of faces who have the worst things happening to them all of the time. Everything they put out for the world to see is about all of the poop they seem to keep finding over and over again. They lament about how their world is just full of poopy things and they don’t see how it is going to get any better.

“Why don’t girls like me?”

“Why don’t people love me for me?”

“F*** my Life…Nobody cares…”

“Another one night stand…Why doesn’t anyone ever call me after…”

“I’m shouting really loud about my particular politics and everything is still screwed up…Just like I did yesterday…Are you people all stupid? WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING TO ME!!!”

“I hate fat/skinny people. They are all gross! Can’t everyone see how attractive I am by comparison?”

“No one understands my poop!”

“*vague depreciating statement about life being terrible and they are going to die alone, wasted away in the friendzone while life passes them by*”

You know why no one likes you? Why people only seem to pity you and not actually like you? Why you feel like you are burdensome and no one really wants to hang out with you?

YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY POOP! ALL YOU SEE AND TALK ABOUT IS POOP! WE ARE ALL SICK OF YOUR POOP!!

Who wants to hang around with that?

I get it…I really do. Some people are genuinely depressed. It is a very real condition. This is not about them.

Some people actually have real events in their life that are earth shattering. Deaths, divorces, illnesses…This is not about them.

If you are actually one of those people above…Please get help. You deserve it. Just go. We will still love you.

This is about people who have a choice. I am one of those.

There is poop in my life. As much as anyone else. I prefer not to focus on it. I mean, I see it in the fixed focus…”Yep, there it is.” I need to see it a little so I don’t step in it.  I prefer to focus on the stuff with real meaning that will matter to me and those around me in the long run.

I am not all sunshine and lollypops. I don’t always see happy things or pretty things, just things that matter.

Like that cool camera, I can look at things in my past and change the focus. Things that were awful at the time I can adjust so I can see the bigger picture, see the things I was not focused on. It brings a whole new depth to my life.
Bottom line-You see what you focus on, both in the past and the future.

Why you wanna take pictures of poop?

 

 

YOLO…You only live once.

I wrote this a while back but was just reminded of it. Welcome to a Gwyd Rant.
YOLO (You only live once)
I saw this beneath a photo “YOLO…LOL!” of a girl holding a beer in one hand while making duck lips and a gang sign.
Really? You proclaim “You only live once”, a very powerful statement, because you are having a drink? This is your celebration of life? I had a beer last night and at no point did I find the need to say “Well, you only live once”. I had the need to think “Hey…This beer tastes good and I am no longer thirsty” but it was certainly not a significant life altering event.
I have seen a lot of other examples of “YOLO” being tossed around very cheaply. Can we try to save it for things that actually have a real impact on your life like…Bear Wrestling? Suddenly packing up and moving to Fiji? Trying something where you have little chance of success but dangit…You are going to try anyway?
I am pretty sure that finishing the beer while making duck lips may have been challenging but in the greater scheme of things…YOLO? Really?